I remember the second night James was home. He was asleep; I was watching t.v. A story of a fallen Marine came on; his grieving widow (she couldn’t have been more than 27 years old) was telling his story. And I fell apart. I almost always cry when I hear of such a death. I cry out of empathy. I cry out of pride. I cry because someone should. That night I was crying out of all of the above – and for the first time in a year, out of guilt. Mine, after all, had come home alive.
It was one (in the growing list) of feelings I didn’t expect to have when he returned – an almost incredulousness and surprise that he made it out of his situation alive. I had been bracing myself for a year. And when he called from Germany, I was washed with relief. And then – then here I was – with him lying in the bed next to me and I was watching someone else’s tale of grief and sacrifice. And I couldn’t help it; I felt guilty.
I feel more grateful than guilty now. But I still cry. And today I cried again when a fellow blogging friend told us that her husband’s good friend was killed on Sunday (read her "all gave some; some gave all" post). I didn’t know him. But I’m proud of him. And my heart is heavy for everyone who loved him and knew him.
Christie says
Today I came across this and was flooded with emotion. I visit your blog from time to time through my friend Karen’s blog. Our husbands are in the same unit and we, my husband and I, were also very close to Ben.
Thank you for taking the time to honor Ben, he was such a good person.
Mom says
C, you will continue, I’m sure, to be stunned by emotions you feel. When Desert Storm broke out in the 90s, I was awash in guilt because I had considered joining the Army Reserve less than 6 months earlier and had decided I simply couldn’t go from “blue” (AF) to “green” (Army), yet the Army was the only branch willing to waiver my asthma… then the war broke out, and I was overwhelmed with guilt that I had let something so trivial keep me from serving again. Why was *I* home safe with my daughters and husband, while others were in harm’s way? Who was *I* to have GI benefits from serving previously during peace-time?
I fought the emotions for a week or more…then realized that our days and our steps are numbered by the Lord, not by us…we simply buy into the illusion that we control our own destinies.
If you feel inclined and have opportunity to do so, please pass along the grief support address of Arms of Love to the parents of slain soldiers. It’s http://www.angelfire.com/mt2/grieving/ then click on “open forum”. (And to any reading this, feel free to pass this resource link along to other grieving parents.) For the widows I’d recommend GROWW, a huge support system addressing every form of grief imaginable. It’s at http://www.groww.org — if there isn’t a group specifically geared to military loss by now, there should be and they’d be willing to start one I’m sure.
All my love,
mom
Karen says
Beautiful. Thank you Crystal.
Erin says
Our prayers and deepest sympathy goes to Lt. Ben Keating and his family for all they have and will endure. Try not to feel guilty, just be thankful that J. is home and enjoy every day with him!
All our Love