See this face? It's the face of a kid who is wildly joyful about everything, it turns out. And who loves life. Loves her stickers, loves her sister, loves her new dog (more on that later), loves her family, loves her milk in a cup with a lid on it, and loves her camera. She loves everything. Equally, I think.
Today I asked her what she will be bringing to Show and Tell at preschool. She loves Show and Tell day, so I was sure she had already thought about it. She returned with an answer immediately. "My camera. I'm going to show everyone my camera. And I'm going to take a picture of the class." She was so confident in her answer that I knew she must have been planning that for a while and she was probably excited about it. That made me proud.
I had bought the camera for her as a Christmas gift. She has pretty much grown up the daughter of a blogger and perpetual picture-taker, and over the last year she has been "taking pictures" with a broken camera. I could see that she loved it. So I bought her a real camera for small children. She loves it, and is very serious about it. But it can be a little tricky to use.
Which is why I suggested we practice using it again before she took it to school. Long story short, after several blurry pictures and my insistence on her remembering how to use it right so that the pictures weren't blurry and cut off, she decided to take a box of cars for Show and Tell. Worse than the fact that she had changed her mind was that I could see I had killed her joy. Knowing Evyn, I knew she would be disappointed if she couldn't get a decent picture of her class, and frankly, I was overconcerned about it – to the extent that I sent the wrong message. I am a perfectionist myself and have worked very hard to impart on Evyn that things don't have to be perfect to be great, enjoyable, beautiful, etc. But sometimes I miss. Like today. And in the process I drained the color of cheery bright joy right out of her face.
I tried to undo it, but it was too late. She didn't want to take the camera to class because it would take blurry pictures, and no amount of my telling her that's okay could undo the bit of damage my critical tone and (no doubt) furrowed brow had caused. She didn't get melodramatic, or throw a tantrum. She just insisted that she wanted to take the cars, which I think hurt me a little more, because I knew how sure of her camera plans she had been. And now she wasn't.
So off we went, Evyn holding a box of cars in her lap on the drive to school, while I added another demerit to my mental count of mornings I wish I could undo.
We got to school and met the teacher at the car door, where I confessed that I had killed my daughter's joy (I swear that drop-off is my very own confessional booth; every morning is a new story). I related the story quickly to her and she looked at me with such compassion and wisdom and said very frankly, "Get over it." Seriously, those were her wise words. And she was right. She said it again, "Crystal, just get over it. And don't do it again."
And there's the lesson. Yes, there is also a very important lesson in not teaching your children to critique and question themselves too much – to leave that for things that have to do with their character and not their performance. I do, after all, want to raise confident girls. But as a person who is constantly in my own head and often talking down to myself, worried I'm going to screw up the only job I have, I think an even more important lesson - today, anyway – is to forgive myself and move on. If I'm going to teach my kid to not beat herself up when she's not perfect, then I guess I had better do the same.
So, if this applies to you today, then here you are: Get over it. You'll be okay.
Beth says
that is a good lesson to learn, She has the sweetest little face also!
brittany says
definitely a good lesson to learn.
and also, your daughter has amazing hair. and i dont mean for a kid, i mean just plain amazing. i would love, love, love it for myself! just a thought.
heather says
Thank you so much for this post! I certainly need keep this lesson in mind since my daughter and I are both perfectionist. I also want her to be confident in herself and I often forget that my children learn more from my actions than from my words.
Meredith says
Brilliant words of advice. I think that I can likely speak for many, many other mothers out there that have made a similar miss-step on the parenting pathway. It was wonderful to have someone write so honestly about it and pass on the advice they received. Don’t beat yourself up about it, it will not be the single moment your child will remember from their childhood as there are many other events that will overshadow this small one. Keep your head up and carry on! Thanks for the honesty.
Leslie says
what a bittersweet little story. I can relate and feel like i have been there so many times. It is so hard to let them confidently go for something when you know it might go wrong, and you don’t want them to be disappointed. Thanks for the wide words and willingness to share
Ransacked Goods says
Wise words, thanks for the reminder!
charlotte says
yes, we all have done that- at all ages…. and it’s true, you do have to go on. use that critical eye to catch yourself being the best mother ever- because that happens thousands of times every day- and resets the dial.
you are an exceptional – and very sensitive – parent, and you are so right about the forgiveness. best lesson of all. xoC
Elizabeth says
oh, great message. I go to sleep every night thinking of things I should have done better with my three (did I read enough books? Why was I so impatient with that puzzle)…now today I am going to try to just let go!
Kiki says
I’m not sure exactly why, but this post choked me right up today. I can almost feel your pain over the whole thing. What a great lesson.
Gina says
Awww…I can certainty see myself doing the same. Thanks so much for sharing this experience. Often I have a hard time getting over things too.
Amber says
Great lesson – thanks for sharing it! I know I’ve done this too – it is nice to know we can just let it go and not do it again!
Annette says
Excellent advise. Easier said than done! =) Something I need to remember.
Megan says
I’m not a mom, but that’s a wonderful lesson. Thanks for being so honest and sharing!
And what’s crazy is, I doubt she will remember this in a year. And you still will. So let it go, for now. And then bring it up in 15 years, and I bet you will both get a laugh out of it!
kerri says
Wow, you said that so wonderfully. I too am guilty of doing this to my children. Thanks for those words!
The NON-Supewoman says
I could have written this post a few weeks ago. Hey, maybe even a few days ago. My sentiments (and experience) exactly. This applies to me and I definitely receive it!
misschris says
This is a hard one, but a good lesson to learn…I’ve been there before, that’s for sure. But don’t beat yourself up over it, Crystal, she’s right. *hugs*