Today she sat on my lap, careful not to lean back on "mommy’s tummy" while we watched a program. It was actually one of my programs – a kitchen show. And she didn’t mind watching it with me because it meant being with me. That’s why I love this kid. She’s taken to enjoying whatever I do, joining me in my world. Over the past three years we’ve created so many rituals, depending on the season of our life. Coffee and the train table at Barnes N Noble. Rifling through the trinket shelves at the thrift store. Dollar popcorn and pop at Target – long, lingering hugs around my big tummy from her seat in the shopping cart while we peruse the aisles. She gets a "pink" (soy raspberry italian soda) when I get my mocha at the coffee shop. She twirls my hair when she sneaks into bed on Saturday mornings. And now she’s even able to watch me sew and create, careful not to step on my work and waiting patiently for the fabric scraps so she can adorn me with them. Everyone tells me I have the best kid, because she’s incredibly capable (almost too capable, these days), a great all-day window-shopper, obedient, and self-directed. She’s skilled, and chatty, witty, and loving and super duper imaginative (mine is the kid who actually does talk to the wall). The deployment was a struggle, but in many ways it was a blessing. We had an incredible bonding period, and I found a lot of strength as a mom that I didn’t know I had. I shed the labels I had taken on – Impatient, Bossy, Loud, Not Nurturing – and realized that I could be an amazing mom. I failed her many times during the deployment. And then asked God for forgiveness and continued to be a great mom. Which I didn’t really, truly realize I could be until I was an only parent for a year.
And now another little one is about to join us. And I don’t know what to think. The two of us are about to be the three of us (I’m speaking in stay-at-home mom terms, of course – she’s also very much a Daddy’s Girl). For three years I have spent my work days as "Me and E," Mommy and Super-Tot. I know my heart will grow to make room for the two of them and I will love them equally and differently. But as the days to #2 creep closer, I am feeling so many things, and one of them is the loss you feel as you enter a new chapter in life. Everyone talks about the excitement of the next stage – be it college or marriage or a new baby. I get that. But I’ve always been one who needs to pause to let go of the existing chapter in order to embrace the next biggest, best season of my life.
So here it is. A big, grateful, bittersweet sigh as I pause to remember our days as the Two of Us and a somewhat giddy smile as I await being the Three of Us.
ps. the above slide show will eventually stop and ask you for your email. just ignore it.
stopping by for baby news and finally got this far….what a lovely post about your sweetE. yes, it will be different when the baby comes, but in all good ways. you know that, and nothing will change what you two have shared. it’s still there, that perfect, private bond. there will be so many chances to sneak back to that place with your E and there will be a new unique part of you set aside for this baby. E won’t mind- later anyway after she’s over the shock and into the love- because she’ll have a place of her own with baby (as you did with your sister). it’s so cool to watch this happen. you will love it. really, it’s quite wonderful! xoC
beautiful. i know what you mean. my ds#1 and i were peas and carrots…then ds#2 came along and i felt like he was so special i had to make sure he never felt left out of our special bond. he doesn’t and now 2 yrs later the 3 of us are a great team. ds#1 and him have an awesome relationship and it’s a joy to watch. but i couldn’t imagine how it would all work out until i saw ds#2’s sweet face…it didn’t seem possible until he was here and then it was the most natural thing in the world.
Crystal – what a great post. Brings tears to my eyes as I think back to when my #2 was born (and now she’s 2). Enjoy your time before #2 arrives as you’re preparing for more snuggles.
Sweet, wonderful, precious…makes me want to be a mom even just once. It will all happen soon enough. I know it isnt even close but the pup and I are bonding in a totally new way during the deployment.
I had the same feelings going from one to two. I really was quite sad about life not being just me and my girl, all the while being so excited for my new baby to arrive.
I wonder if I will feel any of that the closer I get to having this third baby. Right now I am just impaient for new baby fingers, toes and the soft head to kiss.
Sarah Byrum says
Oh my gosh, I loved your post. It made me sad to think about everything you and Evyn have been through together and to close that chapter. But, it’s exciting to think about all the new memories you will make with Evyn. I have never thought of all these emotions in having a second baby, a little confusing. I loved the pictures, as always. Evyn is absolutely beautiful. Miss you guys.
The Goddess says
Awww! I loved this post and enjoyed the pictures. It almost made me cry thinking about my kids 18,16,10 and 2 growing up and how much I miss the older ones being little. Those times are SO very precious. I wish you and your family the best.
You do have a truly wonderful kid. I hate that I did not get to spend more time with yall, and know her better. I am glad You are embrace the end of this chapter, and are excited about the next.
That is a beautiful post. I too have to pause and reflect on new chapters in our lives. I actually mourn a wee bit for what was. Then I look forward to what will be. Many many happy healthy birthing vibes coming your way all the way from Canada!!
Auntie Julia says
This is a wonderful site, thank you for your support of your Army hubby, and tell him that two of us in Washington state thank him for his servise to our country. I also had a little three year old girl when we had our second, and your heart will sing praises and feel as though it will burst, now so much more love. We are grandparents now, and it gets even better! Grandbabies! God bless
Reading your blog always makes me smile. What a beautiful little lady you have their! I loved her little “Big Sister” apron, she will make a wonderful Big Sister by the way you describe her 🙂
You have no idea the memories you stirred up yet again, my Baby #1 (((hugs)))
Too choked up for more,
lv, m xo